Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i just found out my husband has a hot dog counter on his phone to track his yearly intake of hot dogs

Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.

me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!

my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami

There should be guide dogs that prevent you from making bad decisions.

Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive

I wrote a message to my mom giving her a heads up on my carefully thought-out plan to approach my wife about a divorce, and then accidentally sent it to my wife.

Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.

Fun Fact:

A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.

I hope the rapture makes the line at the dinner buffet shorter.

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.

Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?

[Origins…]

BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?

ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?

>looking for a crisp fall day
>ask mother nature if it’s a hot 60° or a cool 60°
>she laughs and says “it’s a good 60°”
>throw on cozy fall outfit
>it’s a hot 60°

ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human

Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.

HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.

If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.

A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless

My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.

Me: That’ll bring you good luck!

8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.

After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.

Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.

Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication

Me: Why am I not surprised

Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication

If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.

I’m not climbing a hill if I’m dying. That sounds terrible. I’ll die on this chair. Drinking orange Fanta.

Went for a drug test today in my glasses with a mask on the entire time. I could have sent someone else.

I bet most people learn their neighbor kid’s name not by proper introduction, but by the parents yelling it in a loud voice over & over.

As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.

I’m more “fermented”.

I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.

wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry