listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Cradles bread in arms, accepting this step into motherhood*
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
If dolphins are so smart, how come they work at Sea World?
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
*lies down on couch*
*turns on TV*
*covers up with blanket*
*adjusts pillows perfectly*
[from other room: “Honey can you come here please?”]
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
At this stage in my life, I’m chasing a fly in the apartment with my pants around my ankles. All of my decisions in life led to this moment.
Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!
Shout-out to the dad who suggested we have a parents vs. kids game for the last soccer practice, and then didn’t show up to the game where us parents almost died playing 12 – 14 year olds “taking it easy” on us in 80-degree weather.
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
For some reason I’m an extremely secretive
person. Don’t ask me why
The devil.
Not to brag, but I always go to the hottest cashier at the store and she always checks me out.
Breaking news: There’s been an alarming rise of close call heart attacks. The first symptom is, “you almost gave me a heart attack!”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
The therapist said to try deep breathing under water?
Email: Would you like to have some fun?
Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
How dare you call me naive!
I’d sue you for slander if I hadn’t sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.