listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
I have the nicest shopping cart at Walmart- me flirting
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
How many boxes of Girl Scout cookies are in a serving?
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
How I’d get arrested…
the short answer to this question
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
In a shocking twist my children just put on masks to play Grocery Store
[kicks in your door to apologize to you]
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
hmmmmmm