Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

With the rubber gloves, face masks, face shields, condoms, and smell of Lysol…sex isn’t as fun as it used to be.

Does the thirty minutes of cardio have to be all at once or can you spread it out over fifty years?

My foray into the comic book world was brief after failing to garner any sales of my series “The Banana Face Lady and the Martian Man” to my 4th grade class.

Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.

[sermon]

There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!

*T-1000 shifts nervously*

People say you can’t pet every dog, but every dog lover knows that’s just a challenge in disguise.

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Meanwhile in Paris.. 🙏

HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?

Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.

teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle

me: that thing with the harp and wings

teacher: never mind

*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*

I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.

My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?

I once followed a puppy home on the off chance that I’d forgotten where I actually live and that he was, somehow, my dog.

But, yeah, let me raise two kids.

You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

*school reunion*
Guy: Reporter is cool I spose. I became a doctor so I could actually help people ya know
Clark Kent: *fist clenched* mmm hm

Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.

I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.

[out in public]

Me: A kid is crying.

Wife: It’s not one of ours.

[we fist bump]

romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”

Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

older people are often wiser and smarter than younger people, because they have usually seen more movies

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you