Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

Clubbing in my 20s:

Spills beer *everywhere*

Clubbing in my 40s:

Everywhere is so sticky!?

Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.

{Commercial for Floors}

Is this you?

{footage of man falling endlessly to oblivion}

“And we shall call it Kansas City”

Cuz it’s in Kansas?

“No it will be located in Missouri.”

What will we call the neighboring city across the river?

“Kansas City, Kansas”

I’m just a girl standing in front of a boy asking him to stop eating all the snacks I bought for school lunches dammit.

Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!

It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.

Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.

Millennial: blank stare

Ok, all you people who adopt dogs and put “who rescued who?” stickers on your car… you drive me crazy!

Clearly it’s “who rescued whom?”

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Breaking news:

One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.

MyFitnessPal:

“If every day were like today, in 5 weeks, you’d weigh…”

ONE METRIC TON!!

I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

Ever since those 2 weeks in 2008 when no one noticed I was missing, I won’t go into a corn maze without a machete.

I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.

an airline just for babies.

Thanks to a fan for this one.

I think Neptune can hear the YouTube video my son is watching.

YouTube will put 50 mins of ads on a 10 min video to get me to pay but I shan’t be defeated

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

*at skatepark with my 7yr old nephew*
Random Mom: Cute kid!
Me: Oh thank u so much
Random Mom: Who’s the dad?
Me: My brother
Random Mom: *weird look*

*hours later*
Me: oh SHIT

Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”