Listen google, it’s 2015. I need you to figure out who I’m talking about when I type “that one guy in that movie I didn’t like.”
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An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
her: u excited for the next Star Wars?
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Wish I could cry like movie people with one graceful tear tracking down my face instead of looking like a tomato that fell on the floor.
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
People who make blanket statements are completely horrible & have no redeeming qualities.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Obstetrician who has taken up magic as a hobby: and what have we here? *pulls out baby after baby after baby after baby after baby…
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.