Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.

told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately

“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”

-me in every social situation

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation

writer: you know how cats chase mice?

producer: yea?

writer: this one has a twist

producer: *leaning back* go on

writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat

producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!

writer: i call it tom & jerry

producer: *wiping tears* those are my names

If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”

me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving

My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.

ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.

[waiting with friend for his test results]
“I’m nervous”
I’m sure you’re fine *sees 2 doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room*

middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie

Me: can I have some more hair?

The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?

[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.

[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?

Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.

I don’t trust people with less than five french fries under their driver’s seat.

my dog when i have a friend over

Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.

Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store

*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*

Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it

This is my pinned tweet

“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

My fav person at work is Stan. He’s Indian or Mexican or Polish or something. He’s always playing jokes and making up words. Today he was clutching his chest yelling “defrib you later!”. Ha! Not if I defrib you first Stan! What a guy

Kid: Mom, the light’s on in my closet.

Me: That’s weird. The monster must be looking for something.

I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.

Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”

I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”

Me: Mom, can I die from eating pancakes

Mom: let’s not talk like that

Me: sorry, can I please die from eating pancakes

priest: your mission should you choose to accept it, is to face your fate

groom: can you please stop saying that