Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss thumbs up’d my despair like a stone cold gangster 💀

Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth

Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn

I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.

You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!

Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.

morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one

me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

First date:

And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…

My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.

POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?

DOG: Correct

Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?

—God, creating toddlers

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.

Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on

Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no

using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me

“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?

My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?

Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.

8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?

ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.

You know what they say,

so I won’t tell you.

I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn’t 6 hours long.

(God Creating Vegetables)
GOD: What if we made fruit gross?

Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…

Twitter when Franz Ferdinand got shot would have been the best day ever

If you bring your fancy peanut butter to the Home Depot paint department they have to stir it for you