Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
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SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
If anybody asks, we met teaching Sunday school.
Sean Connery still has nightmares about the time he told a woman to sit on his face.
The scene in Rocky where he breaks open raw eggs and drinks them but me breaking open Cadbury eggs into a glass of chocolate milk.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
Remove dead skin by hurling yourself into an active volcano.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
guys i’ve cracked the code
[on a date]
Him: I love the law.
Me: [trying to impress] I like food courts.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
*Action movie guy gets shot 3 times* It’s nothing, I’ll be fine. *gets shot a 4th time* Wow ok, that last one, ok whoooooo.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
My kid always taking off her shoes like she got abducted mid-step
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year