Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.![]()
You Might Also Like
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
An Ontario woman completed a 40,000 piece puzzle, one of the largest in the world. And she’s VERY pissed no one told her the pandemic is over.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
![]()
Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again
![]()
“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I was about to confront my husband about the strange blonde hairs I found in our house until I realised my kid’s werewolf Halloween mask was moulting.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
So lemme get this straight. Han Solo can understand Chewbacca just fine but at age 900, basic English grammar still goes over Yoda’s head.
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
My 4yo is trying to wash the dishes for me so don’t tell me I’m not allowed to have a favorite child.
The words, “Relax mom, it’s only glitter” is the biggest contradiction a mom can hear.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
paul mccartney: all the lonely people, where do they all come from? all the lonely people, where do they all belong?
[from back of the room]: twitter
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
nurse: time of death
doctor: 4:19—
[i take one last breath]
doctor: it’s still 4:19 you idiot
Cashier: What kind of lettuce is this?
Me: Apples!
*removes “works well under pressure” from resume*
*1st day of shooting —Naked and Afraid*
Me: I’m not worried. This will be easy.
Producer: We need to take your shoes—
Me: I quit.