Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
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Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
Half the jobs my four-year-old wants when he grows up don’t even exist. WTF is a “karate astronaut”?
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
A judge in Oklahoma City wed a couple and then sentenced the groom to prison. That sounds redundant to me.
“and you are November’s PM yes?”
Me quickly texting my 80-something-year-old dad about his 80-something-year-old friend.
‘Hi, dad, just had a lovely chat with your friend, Paul!’
Realising later that I’d actually texted, ‘Hi, dad, just had a love child with your friend, Paul!’
Turns out the button on the elevator with the fireman’s hat on it is not the button for a free fireman’s hat.
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
[1st date]
{don’t let her know you’re Hitler}
HER: what are you going to eat?
ME: definitely not seafood
HER: did u say nazi food?
ME: shit
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
During the first confessional I filmed for Is It Cake I said “I didn’t come here to make friends I came here to make cakes” and the producer said “Please never say that again.”
*live news report
– You survived a fall of thousands of feet…
– Yes.
– Parachute failed?
– Parachute? Haha. No. It was raining centipedes.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
An important part of parenting is teaching conflict resolution for example, when my kid unplugged my watch to charge his phone, I unplugged his phone and hid it.
I accumulated a ton of student loan debt after 9 years in “college,” but I’m certain that VCR repair school has given me all the tools necessary to pay it off quickly.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.