Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
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The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
imagine playing truth or dare and they dare you to go home
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old
how are we gonna sell our car this year? how about a commercial where the car is driving around on roads. great work everyone time for lunch
You’d think people would be more understanding it’s my first day as a tattoo artist.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
Me: This is my favorite. I would like to buy this exact same item of clothing again
The Fashion Industry: No.
**marked safe from the loose thread I thought was a spider**
Me: I want ice cr-
Girl who studied abroad: the gelato in Italy is soooo much better than ice cream. Trust me, I’ve been to Italy
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
mugger: gimme your wallet
me: me or her?
mugger: I don’t care
me: *looks at date* I mean I did pay for dinner
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
HAMMER PANTS: can’t touch this
HAMMER PANTIES: definitely can’t touch this
*group chat*
Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.
[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me if I can sit for long periods of time, I want to say “Like a champion.”
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”