Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I open a fancy cigarette case and offer you a stick of beef jerky.

so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset

handing out tuna steaks for trick or treat

JK it’s spam

Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times.

-Me with beer, me without beer

7yo: Do you use glue to make slime?

Me: Yeah, there’s glue in slime.

*7yo walks off*

Me: *a few minutes later* Wait!

trainer: what’s your fitness goals?

me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.

Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.

It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.

Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”

Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”

People: “No, not like that.”

Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”

People: “Wait…”

Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”

you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.

At conference w/ teacher

Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?

Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio

7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio

Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma

7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!

Teacher:

Me: what? That’s how I learned it

#Dadlife

I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.

I phonebanked for @BernieSanders tonight and my skin is now clear, my gpa is rising, and my crops are flourishing

You dance so good girl. Hell yes. That looks great. You are a flower swaying with the wind. Do the running man.
-Alcohol

Mount Rushmore would be way more American if all the presidents were eating.

Grandma: sorry you guys were busy last night we had such a great—
Kids: we weren’t busy last—
Me: shoves grandma into car

Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started

I slid my foot into my slipper in the dark this morning and there was a sock laying on it. Let’s just say I didn’t know it was a sock, and I’m happy to report I’ve set a new long jump world record.

Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?

Wife: he gives me no privacy

Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true

Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.

It’s not condescending if they’re stupid.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”

UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god