Listen I don’t wanna be bent over a balcony. I’m in my forties and my right hip hurts and my left knee hyperextends and my shoulders are constantly knotted so please for the love of Christ find us a bed.
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Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
You miss 100% of the curbs you don’t take.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
no, YOU’RE holding a fresh loaf of bread like a newborn baby
[blind date]
Me: Oooh here she comes. Ok fella act cool. YOU GOT THIS
Her: Hi, I’m Linda
Me: *nose-whistles Despacito in its entirety*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
cheetah: 60mph but i can reach speeds of 75mph on smooth terrain
cop: [turns to camera] wow kids did you hear that? twitter is so full of wonderful facts
cheetah: that’s right officer. for instance did you know 9/11 was an inside job?
wife: “man, we’re broke.”
me: “that’s all about to change!”
wife: “how?”
me putting on hot dog costume: “second interview.”
I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
I was watching a show for about 5 minutes and this chick was listing all these really fun things to do when I realized I was watching a religious show and she was listing sins
never thought I’d have to tell someone STOP LICKING YOUR RASH but then I had children
I had a stormy relationship with my mother, mostly because she was a cumulus cloud
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail