Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We’re currently trapped in a crowded elevator. Good thing I have enough tuna casserole for everyone.

People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.

I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”

My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.

I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”

*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”

Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out

When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos

This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.

One of the toughest things about being single is not having anyone around to nag you to buy new underwear.

Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon

I had a very intense dream I was having an affair w/a famous Youtuber. I felt so guilty I woke up my husband and told him about said imaginary affair.

Husband took off his CPAP and said, “That guy? He’s not even hot.” Then put the CPAP back on and went back to sleep.

Marriage.

I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”

When I woke my son up, he growled at me and I was like, “First of all, you need to get ready for school, and second of all, you raise a good point.”

I’ve found god.

It’s my turn to hide now.

I bought myself one of those “off road vehicles” last week…
Paid $3000 for it, got it home and found out it was a Canoe!!!

This feels like a whole lot of trolley problems for a country with hardly any public transportation

When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.

I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.

Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.

[interviewing Matt Damon]

Matt: Well, in this movie I play-

Me: (cuts him off) I’m more interested in talking about the roles you AREN’T playing.

Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?

Me: No way, I used a lint roller.

Lawyer: Wait what?

Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*

“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market

STUBBORN belly fat?

Is there any other type?

[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?

Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em

I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.

She’s such an idiot.

My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.

this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”

Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in five years?”
Me: “I’m pretty sure I’ll still be using a mirror.

If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.

[twirls in a dress made of knives]

Oh, this old thing? Just something I put on and wield against innocent bystanders every 28 to 31 days.