Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.

I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.

Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?

found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8

Your honor I object! That other lawyer is saying stuff that makes my client look guilty

If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”

4: Mom can I have a snack?

Me: Yeah hang on

4: Did you mean yes?

Me: Oh shit I birthed my mother

In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.

The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

Told my kids I loved them at carpool and no one responded so I yelled, “I love you too!” while hanging out of the sunroof.

Me, 1
Kids, 0

Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.

McDonald’s burgers always look so great in their commercials but when you actually order one it always looks like its been sat on.

I love comics. Bank robbers will wear a full ski mask, but super heroes will wear a tiny domino mask that barely covers any of their face.

“If crooks discover my identity, they’ll kill me or kidnap my family. I have an idea! I’ll hide the bridge of my nose with this pore strip!”

Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

if you want a really sexy woman, I just sat in a bunch of crushed up chips without realizing it and thought something was following me when I walked across the house cause I kept hearing the chips drop to the floor

Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?

Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss… but you won’t miss.

You’ve trained your whole life for this.

Take the shot.

Kill the moon.

me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third

who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!

when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.

like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.

TSA AGENT: take off ur shoes please
ME: [hiding counterfeit pokemon cards in my shoes] the dude in front of me said he has a grenade

I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

I like to keep our shades open at night to scare off any potential thieves with our mess

Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it

Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.

Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?

*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

I learned about self care from watching my cat.