Listen, I hate you…
I’m just not… IN hate with you.
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Theres plenty of fish in the sea. Theres loads of trash at the dump. Theres tons of bones in a skeleton. Bugs are everywhere.
Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
Umbrage is like regular brage, but um…
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
[On couch, notices it’s 6pm]
Luckily I don’t have to pick up the kids from the Christmas party until 8.
*Notices it’s February*
OH SHIT
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Only 50 more days til we find out who’s our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
Child: What’s a pandemic?
Me: It’s like a potdemic but flatter.
Child: I’ll ask mom.
You can keep your romantic gestures like holding a boom box over your head or boiling a bunny. Real romance is your husband coming home with family size bags of Skittles and Twizzlers.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.