Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids: We’re hungry!

M: Dinner when mum gets home

K: She’s away for a week

M: OK, when I’m done tweeting

K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

What kind of shit holiday encourages kids to ring my doorbell AND ask for free food?

“That there’s a damn shame, Bill. Yeah, no, sorry, I didn’t see anything. I was visiting my sister’s tree over on Morgan. I’ll ask around and let you know if I hear something, though. Geez, what a world, am I right? Anyway, your homeowners policy should cover it, no?”

2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say

I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.

Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…

Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.

living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions

9yo: Do you prefer chocolate or vanilla?
Me: Depends on the day
9yo: Let’s say it’s a Tuesday

I’ll smash someone’s car window on a hot day if I see they’ve left a chocolate bar melting inside.

HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?

ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations

85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon

Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.

DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.

PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}

DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.

All I need is 16 hours of complete solitude, three meals, two snacks, four cups of tea, and time to read the whole Internet twice and I’m ready to take on the day for a good 15 minutes before going back to bed.

I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.

I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.

Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.

The neighbors left a perfectly good doll at the curb with their trash and I’ve seen enough horror movies to know to leave it there.

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

me: [offering joint] wanna hit

giraffe:

me: nvm ur already high lol

[later]

scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

I now ask my Dad things like he used to ask me when I was a teenager.

Where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be back? Do I know any of these people? Do you have a coat?

30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion

my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that

What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?

The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.