Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you, a dumb idiot: today is friday the 13th
me, a wise genius: there have been way more than 13 fridays

This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now

*Meeting GF parents*

What are your intentions with our daughter?

Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me

My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.

ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?

scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird

egyptian:

scribe: 2 birds total

egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out

just found out that some people don’t double click the tongs before using them. wtf

MARY: Well, I just had a baby… in a barn. So, thanks to everyone who brought gifts. The gold, the perfumes. All things babies love.
Also the child who inexplicably played drums, like, right in my face.
This…this was great.

Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.

My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.

Was decorating the front yard last night and one of the neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

Yo wtf…just saw a stat that said only 30-50% of people have an internal dialogue. There’s really 50%+ of the population out here walking around with NOTHING going on in their head?? Everything is starting to make much more sense

Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved

Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?

Me: yes

This woman just stared at the beer in my cup holder, like she’s never seen a cup holder on a grocery cart before.

I started dating a lumberjack.

He’s a handsome feller.

sistine chapel

omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

There is a 100% chance you’ve had this conversation with your mom:

The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone

Her: what are you into

Me: pokémon

Her: no i mean what’s your type?

Me: oh, fire

God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.

Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.

Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship

Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”

My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.

Now he can hear the voices too.

[after death]

me: what is this place?

guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell

me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol

guy: hell it is

Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.

After reading some marriage tweets I’m beginning to suspect we all may have been married to the same person.

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.