listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
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The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
I just sent a text that says “we really need to talk” to everyone I know so nobody will bother me today.
selfie game
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
It’s cute how my family thinks I’m playing with fire and I’m just trying to cook them breakfast
Men are almost twice as likely to tell pollsters that they have a plan for the zombie apocalypse than women. Often before the pollsters even ask.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Don’t kick over a rock if you’re not mentally and physically prepared for what may be underneath….
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Mouthwash is too spicy!
*waters it down with Mayonnaise*
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between