listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
You Might Also Like
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
the ideal man is always thinking of several cool things at once (throwing a football really far, a truck with big wheels, giving a lot of high fives)
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
me: is it cool if i add a little hat
person i’m tattooing: what no
me: ok [starts scribbling out the little hat]
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
Them: Farm animals don’t make good pets
Me: Hold my goat
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Know why I pulled you over?
“No sir”
1987, 7-11 on Main, you paid for Coke but filled your cup with Slurpee. We gotcha. We finally gotcha
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
I like to take long walks away from stupid people.
In case you’re wondering if humans will be able to overcome the virus, remember we are talking about the species that presses harder on the remote control buttons when the battery is dead.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
My boyfriend’s boss is scared of getting the coronavirus so naturally she has decided that instead of finishing at 5:30 they will finish at 4:30, because as we all know the coronavirus only comes out after 5
This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.
i worry GPS sometimes gives me a slower route so it can clear the good roads for drivers it likes better
Since I got my iPhone eleventeen last week I have taken about 47 screenshots of my Home Screen just trying to turn the gd thing off.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?