Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
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ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.
I swear people love me but my Uber score says differently.
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
this independent good boy don’t need no human
My 6yo told me his classmate has a pet wolf, and it’s giving him some ideas about our current pet situation
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
I’m already putting money away for the my future child’s therapy because I know they’ll be emotionally scarred from having their friends always comment on how hot their mom is
Just remember, when the jury is deciding between premeditated murder and manslaughter…
it’s the thought that counts
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
My dog is dreaming. Based on the noises and twitches coming from him… he’s fighting off a Korean Chef.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Blind Date
Me: I’ve read “The Catcher in the Rye” 5 times.
Him: I like watching Swamp People – they catch gators. What are they catching in your book?
[later on]
Him to his friend: Nah she drinks too much.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
Job interview
HR: What’s your best asset?
Me: I have an excellent memory.
HR: Give me an example.
Me: Of what?
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
Hub: When was your first kiss
Me: July 4th 1978 I kissed Brent under the fireworks
Hub: Didn’t you have a frog named Brent
Me: I hate you
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
when you just wanna do your zoom call but your cat wants to start an onlyfans
Be careful who you piss off around here because some people use caps lock
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved