Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sean’s gf: I feel seen

Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that

Sorry I put black eyeliner on your baby, but honestly, look at how edgy it is now.

*being chased by serial killer

Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

*buys dog mask*
*shits on neighbors’ lawn*

Carl: So hot today.

Me: Tell me something I don’t know.

Carl: During WW II, Americans tried to train bats to drop bombs.

Me: Fair enough.

Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.

Anyways, making friends is hard.

Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex

Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.

PREACHER: any prayer requests?

3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread

This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet

Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.

Remember how much you used to like this song?- Car ads.

Trainer: What’s the most intense part of your work out?

Me: Getting into my sports bra.

*watches movie*

*sees a scene with full frontal male nudity*

*pauses for three months*

I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.

ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]

WIFE: What are you training for?

ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking

Murder was so easy in the 1800s… little bit of poison in your soup, murdered. Technology has ruined everything.

Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.

My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.

I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.

Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?

Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.

The 6th day of xmas was the worst day of xmas bc after getting 5 golden rings she thought he moved on to jewelry & did not expect more birds

Checkmate, Flat Earthers

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

Hate it when we run out of clean towels so I have to ride my white stallion Gregory up and down the driveway real fast to dry my mullet

If I could go back in time and choose you again, I wouldn’t.

Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.