Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or

Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.

(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.

Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re

S: Oh ffs!

Fights fire with marshmallows

The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.

My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!

Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹

Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green. 

Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.

our love will go down in history

like the Hindenburg

“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”

– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip

here we go again

Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???

GUY: *busts in bleeding* i owe money to some bad dudes you gotta help me

ME: *proudly reaches down and pulls the pennies out of my loafers* you’ve come to the right place

If I ever get married again, I’m writing my own vows. I got different shit to say this time.

ME: my underwear is just two soft flour tortillas held together by electrical tape

INTERVIEWER [desperate]: ok and how about weaknesses

I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit

*Writes “For a good time call” on random gas station bathroom wall

*adds work phone number

*Gets excited about work today

Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes

Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.

It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase

Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?

my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u

Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.

My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.

me: =)

dentist: we have to remove some teeth

me: =;

I once accidentally joined a cult because I zoned out mid-conversation and just kept saying “yeah, of course” every few minutes.