Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.

Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.

Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar

Friend: That’s foreboding

Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me

They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.

It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.

Kids want to play with the box the toys come out of.

Men want to play with the box the kids come out of.

Whoever’s responsible for the Microsoft outage is getting fired anyway, so the smart thing to do would be knock Teams out for the day too and leave a hero.

[Speed Dating]

People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?

Just now walking down the street eating a banana, I spotted a woman at a bus stop, also eating a banana. To her horror & mine, I was physically unable to stop myself raising my banana to her in a sort of banana toast. She looked v confused then, adorably, bobbed her banana back.

Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.

just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate

While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.

The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.

I need to make my kids understand that I’m not staff, I’m management.

Found out I can’t run the air fryer, toaster, and microwave at the same time, but on the plus side I’m pretty sure I took a screenshot of the kitchen

Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame

“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.

“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”

“This is the ride that killed Jimmy.”

– me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)

I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.

The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.

Use your whole data plan each month. There are children in China that have no data plan

We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.

[harry potter at an interview]

interviewer: it says here you found & destroyed seven horcuxes

harry: that’s correct, sir

interviewer: but no experience creating a powerpoint presentation, wow

I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.

In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”