Listen if vampires don’t age or whatever then why aren’t there any films about vampires set in a future where we all live in space??? Space Vampires?! Do I have to do everything around here
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Me: Will my girlfriend be ok using Chanel 5 if she’s never used Chanel 1-4
Salesgirl: *into walkie talkie* security he’s back here again
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I’m just a girl, sitting on a plane, watching each person come closer to the empty seat beside me and thinking “please don’t sit here”.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
Dating Profile:
List a strength: I’m a confident decision maker.
List a weakness: Those decisions are usually really, really bad.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
*hears giggling kids
7: Then baby cows can just walk into my house!
Me (in the bathroom): WHAAAAT?
The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?
Me, at a Renaissance Fair: Well actually, that type of staff is inappropriate for the type of wizard you are portraying.
The sacred texts.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Doing stand up comedy feels like I’m doing a book report on a book I didn’t read.
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
boss: can i speak to you in my office
me: anything you need to say to me, you can say in front of my crocodiles
Whoever called these chip bags ‘fun size’ really needs to reassess their social life.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip