Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Grammar is important. It’s the difference between feeling your nuts and feeling you’re nuts

*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.

[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family

“would you still love me if i was a worm?” yes. more, in fact.

(car dealership)
Me: Cargo room?
Salesman: No, car go outside

[bedtime]

SON: Can you leave the light on?

ME: So it’ll be easier for the monsters to find you?

SON: What?

ME: What?

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

“Does your dad play any sports?”

“No, my dad hates sports”

*dad walks in*

“Hey there, Sport”

Wife: Ooh, did you already brush your teeth?!

Me, hiding my 7th Mint Julep: Yesh.

Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.

date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?

professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement

Abstinence makes the church grow fondlers.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.

Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok

My mother’s birthday is tomorrow on Friday the 13th. The only thing she told me she wanted was to not die. If you’ve ever wondered where my sense of humor comes from, there’s your answer.

If you see a dog locked in a car on a hot day, it’s legal to teach it how to hotwire the vehicle and drive off in search of a better life.

“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…

Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂

Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.

7 came home to a “7” balloon on his birthday & asked “Why is there an upside-down L balloon here?” & I’m really excited because now I can spend his college fund on that tummy tuck with a clear conscience.

Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.

Eight months since I had laser eye surgery. Still no lasers.

Being a parent means hiding in a closet to eat a donut so you don’t have to share.

It’s easy to tell hedgehogs from porcupines. Porcupines aren’t blue.

Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.

Think of a thing.

Theres an e cig flavor for that.

Corona-na-na-na-na Corona-na-na-na-na MASK MAAAAAN