Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.

I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me

Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.

Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep

How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?

She should play the lottery too !

Wearing my bathing suit as underwear in case a random pool party breaks out sounds way better than too lazy to do laundry.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

No, of course I’m not mad.

It’s fine.

*goes home, starts building a Death Star.

[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?

“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”

[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]

To whoever started playing Jumanji in 2016, please finish your game. This is getting out of hand.

I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.

ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]

This is niece.

I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”

Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!

Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!

When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.

Thanks for reading.

I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…

[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.

“Daddy, where do babies come from?”

Amazon.

“Why’s it take 9 months?”

Shipping. Go to sleep.

The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?

Finding a hair in food that you’ve just prepared at home is certainly disconcerting when you’re bald.

Its wrong that priests have to live a life of forced celibacy . They should get married and let celibacy come upon them the usual way.

*uses Mr. Clean magic eraser to wipe off your drawn on eyebrows*

Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please

Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business

“Don’t take this wrong but…”

Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.

People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.

When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.