Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
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gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
How’s your morning?
Me: Grabs a bowl for coffee
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
Tell me your dreams and fantasies!
Mine is seeing Deadpool and Freddy Krueger pillow fight.
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.
Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
16: ‘What was it like when you were growing up?’
Me: *takes cell phone-throws him outside*
‘Be back at six!’16: ‘Wait, Dad I-‘
Me: *slam
nobody compliments good driving. they only complain about the bad stuff. yeah thanks for noticing the very end of our trip how was i doing the entire time we were NOT in a lagoon
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
*1776
Jefferson)How do we gain our independence from England?
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)Great! How do we celebrate if we win
Washington)Let’s blow shit up
Jefferson)I like it
someone on this conference call just said “the ball’s in our court so we’ll touch base internally and then follow up to get on the same page” and for a moment i seriously thought i was listening to a parody of a meeting
remember: knives and alcohol don’t mix. knives are solid they don’t mix with anything. why where you trying to drink a knife anyways idiot
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
When your child tells you at 8pm on a Wednesday night that they “forget about” the diorama project for school due tomorrow…
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
pictures of spider-man
dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.