Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
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“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
Billy: Hi! What’s your name?
Johnny: Johnny.
B: Hey, what’s THAT?
J: An iPhone 4.
Mom: Who’s your new friend, Billy?
B: Johnny. He’s poor.
People are like plastic bags: Some are meant to fly, some have holes — but are still useful — and, well, others are full of dog shit.
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
A horror movie where the girl in the woods actually outruns the mutated chainsaw murderer, then it shows him sadly limping back to his car.
Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
kids: *having a rough day*
air-conditioning: *broken*
me: *sweaty and irritated*
underwire bra: would be a shame if something were to suddenly…snap
My neighbor, whose name I thought was Chuck (for two years), told me his name and I immediately forgot it.
Do not levitate over flowers
OKAY DAD
my daughter was wearing a flannel hoodie so I said “hey, the 90’s called” and she replied “yeah cause they couldn’t text” and godDAMMIT I’m getting really tired of my kids owning me
“turn your passion into a career” my passion is not working
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The most maddening thing about having a cat is when you can’t find them and start panicking and sweet-talk-hollering for them and shaking the treat box and nearing a panic attack — and they come yawning and stretching out of some nook or cranny like “Wow, you are being so loud.”
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
Oh you’re a vegan. Name all the plants.
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
Hurricane Diary
Day 1)I have stocked enough snacks for at least two weeks of an extended hurricane disaster
Day 2)I am out of snacks
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?