listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
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BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
Me: How do you like your new bed?
Dog: I love it, it was delicious!!
Me: What?
Dog: Wut
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
ME: i trained this chicken to talk
HER: let’s see
ME: what’s a male deer
CHICKEN: buck
ME: how much is 200 pennies
CHICKEN: buck buck
HER: this sucks
ME: it gets better
CHICKEN: it gets way better, Karen
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
Homeless man: Spare some change for a cup of coffee?
Me: *Bends down to eye level* You don’t look anything like a cup of coffee
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
PIGEON MAGICIAN: I want you to pick a car, any car…DONT TELL ME!.
Ok [shits on windscreen] is THIS the car you chose?
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
Just watched a vid about the benefits of couples vacationing together and I’m wondering how I missed the train where couples vacationed separately.
Demon: This is Hell’s library
-Seems…nice? Just looks like a library.
OPEN ONE!
-Ok *opens* This is in Comic Sans!
*cackles* They all are!
Me (flirting) so what day do you have therapy? 😏
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.
happy 100th birthday caesar salad!! may we all celebrate this day by stabbing a politician
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.