listen, if your girl ever has to move home for a few weeks to save a family business whilst in the company of a charming slacker she once had a crush on in high school, you’re gonna have a bad time
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One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
didn’t even know there was an election going on. as a registered voter in the state of pennsylvania, i wish someone could text me 12-15 times a day in an increasingly desperate tone about this upcoming event, which i had forgotten about
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
My rabbit stew is now cold because my neighbour came to the door with some sob story about his kid’s missing pet.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Listen, if you are going to someone’s house for Thanksgiving, compliment their baseboards. That is what they are spending today cleaning.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
Bees always go straight for your Coke can because their Mom doesn’t let them have sugary drinks at home.
screaming until I turn this migraine into an us-graine 😉
Apparrotly you can drop the names of birds into the start of sentences and people won’t even notice
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
At first I hated this, but my wife forced me to live with it a while, now I love it for some reason.
