Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…

Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.

Cool, but now I’m scared…

No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.

I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.

Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.

Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?

Me: Get?

My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy

Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.

How I like cutting carbs

“work hard so your future self can live a good life”

pfft, what has he ever done for me?

you accidentally send 2 people to hell, and all of a sudden nobody wants to play with you anymore

Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.

HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!

My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.

Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.

Bringing a fitted sheet to a knife fight.

Comedians should be funny (agree with my politics) instead of being political (not agreeing with my politics)

The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station

i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar

*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar

Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?

Stop saying da Vinci invented the helicopter. He invented the sky corkscrew and it was ridiculous.

I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down

*slowly releases air from a balloon during your wedding vows*

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

Reasons my toddlers cried this weekend:

-It stopped raining outside
-My wife asked them if they wanted to go to the playground
-I took the “wrong” bite of my sandwich
-I helped my 4 y/o for to many minutes

this was very charming

Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.

the matrix is a movie about the hottest people in the world using the computer

Coyotes are dangerous, stay away.
If you keep this in mind, you will lessen your chances of being hit by an anvil.

I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.