Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
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Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
If you find yourself in a really awkward conversation do what I do; put your pants back on and leave.
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
I touch myself when I think of you.
It’s a facepalm, but I am thinking of you.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
A Dwayne Johnson impersonator is a sham-Rock.
I’m learning how to do weight training by lifting dogs. I picked up a few pointers yesterday
Me: during all the holiday stress, try to remember that it’s been a hard year for everyone and cut each other some slack
Me, 30 min later, when the car in front of me stops at a yellow light that we both easily could have made: I was wrong, Christmas is a season of rage
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
“Fine, I’m sorry, you win, just, please stop crying.” – my rap battle opponent
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen
Sure I wish I had focused more on my finances, but back then who knew money would catch on.
Nobody’s coming to my pizzarrhea I don’t get it!!!
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Balloons take up a certain amount of space in the package, but if you want to know how big they’ll be when in use you have to adjust for inflation.
my friend trusts me to be around her boyfriend alone because i’m basically her scary father he’s forced to bond with to earn my respect
People always say they’d use a time machine to cheat on the lottery. I’d go back in time and invent the lottery. Make them call it The National Martin. That would show everyone.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon