Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.

9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”

You know you’re a writer when you have file names like “final_draft_V15_updated_edited_this_sucks_going_to_rewrite_this_garbage_i_need_a_drink.doc”

°waldo at the gym° can’t none of y’all spot me

DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.

ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.

DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.

We have a very jittery first time flyer celebrating their 90th birthday today! So if you’re flying to Alicante with Ryanair this evening, remember to say Happy Birthday to the pilot.

[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]

A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-

Me: -but your generation has already used 𝘌𝘝𝘌𝘙𝘠𝘛𝘏𝘐𝘕𝘎 all up

The nice bed in my guest room says “Get comfortable.” But the shower stall with no tub in the bath say “Not too comfortable.”

If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.

The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore

[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY

judas: hey man want to come out to last supper

jesus: what?

judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free

When you’re eating fries and get that one- not a cold one, not a sharp one, but one tastes like death, like something went real wrong- and then you just keep going.

2am Sunday morning and bam! it’s 1am again

Me: what the hell…I already did this hour

Me: Ah-woooo!

The Moon: [swipes left]

Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…

Voodoo map

Thought buying a laptop for 12 would’ve given me some quiet time but here i am filming unboxing videos and crying

My wife is out of town for a few days, and you know what that means!!! (Constant fear of locking myself out of the apartment!!!)

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?

Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?

Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?

I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

everywhere a sign. ⚠️

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.

My 6 year old put a bucket over her head and climbed the new concrete stairs in our backyard. She immediately tripped & scraped her knee. Once the tears had dried, she sat down for some sober reflection and devised a plan to avoid a similar accident in the future: softer stairs

me: thanks for letting me work from home

boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.