Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
You Might Also Like
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
*sees locks of hair on floor*
*looks at daughter*
*looks at American Girl doll*
“Oh, thank God, you cut your own hair”
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow
Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Next time someone says “I’m a hugger” and tries to hug me I’m gonna say “I’m a puncher” and see how it goes.
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
The dog version of Die Hard:
– Barkatomi Plaza
– John McGoodboy
– Holly Gennaroof
– Alan Rickman is a mailman
– Arfgyle
[runs thru the funeral chasing a bagpipe player]
“Stop hurting that octopus!”
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
On a bad dinner date? Bump the table with your knee to make the water in your glass ripple. Claim a T-Rex is coming. Sprint out the door.
#DidYouKnow?
As I handed my dad his 50th birthday card he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said, “son you know one card would have been enough” . 😂🤣
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
I never delete my text messages…just in case a MF’er wants to lie about what they did April 25 1992
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
Every single time I mow my lawn my neighbor starts mowing his within ten minutes. Do I have a rival dad? Is this war?
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
If by high maintenance you mean she looks like a stoned janitor, then yeah, she’s high maintenance.