Listen, I’m as surprised as you are that I have no murderous ex-lovers, but I was gifted (and/or cursed) with the ability to leave someone so tenderly they’re left thinking it was their idea, and wondering why they ever let me go.
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Beyonce, shame on you. Beytwice, shame on me.
Therapy: Expensive
saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free
I’m not an alcoholic, alcoholics go to meetings. I’m a drunk, we go to parties.
My neighbors kid has been outside banging on a bucket for over an hour while their dog barks at him ….. I would throw a rock but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
[at the bar]
Me: Let’s settle this like men
Him: *pulls out knife*
Me: *rips off clothes to reveal racquetball outfit*
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
Everyone at my funeral gets a baseball bat, the last one standing gets all my stuff.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing
Me: If Obi-Wan’s clothes remained after Vader killed him, then why wasn’t ghost Obi-Wan naked?
My date: [to waiter] Check, please.
Associate at the genius bar at the apple store: hi, how may i help you?
me, plunking my laptop down on the table: i can’t find the lowercase numbers!
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Walking up to any crime scene & whispering within the crowd, “It’s started again, hasn’t it?” then leaving
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
A woof in sheep’s clothing.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I showered today because I know I won’t want to tomorrow. I’m a planner.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
They really taught us calculus and then left us to fend for ourselves when it comes to taxes and putting the duvet cover back on
Been to the hospital to get a mole checked. Apparently they all look like that & I should’ve just left it in its hole in the garden.
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.