Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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Seven Worst Crimes:
7. Theft
6. Over cooking a steak
5. Kidnapping
4. Assault
3. Buying cheap tequila
2. Murder
1. Inspirational tweeting
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁
[asteroid hurling towards earth]
ME: [frantically petting dogs] this puts me horribly behind schedule
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
I only compete with myself because I’m hella stupid and easy to outsmart.
Me to myself: This is annoying. This conversation is boring. This person is a moron. I hope I’m hiding it well.
Coworker: You said all that out loud.
Me: Have you ever tasted cat food?
Interviewer: No, I meant questions about the job.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
nurse: “if youre going to give grapes to a baby make sure you cut them in half”
me: [visibly confused]
wife: “the grapes keith not the baby”
I should have just told her she smells nice and left out the like Grandma’s pierogis part.
Those a-hole guys on “Teen Mom” don’t think being a dad is “cool.” Well check me out #Responsibility never looked so “swag! ” lol
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
“…until death do us part.”
*looks at minister*
“What about a Walking Dead situation where she’s a zombie? Then I can bang other chicks?”
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
Damn boy, are you a wool sweater because you’re irritating the shit out of me.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
[helping a pretty girl change a flat tire]
me struggling to loosen lug nuts: Who put these on… Superman?
her: I did
My 8 year old already knows what it’s like to be an adult because he was playing with his Rubik’s Cube and said, “I’ve gotten to the part where I don’t know what I am doing”
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Headless mannequins are great because they let you see how you’ll look wearing a new shirt after you’ve been decapitated
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
got banned from the sauna at my gym for saying “steam me up, scotty” a few too many times
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
If I was a witch, I’d curse you to have neighbors who hand out vegetables for Halloween.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.