Listen, I’m not gonna lie, I think if someone wanted to murder me they could just leave a trail of cubed cheddar and I’d follow it to my demise
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Most Brands: Sandals and flip flops should cost a normal amount, between $10-$30
Gucci: What about $200?
Old Navy: Give us some loose change. What’s that, a button? Fine
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
[Divorce court]
Her: I found his Twitter account. I want a divorce.
Judge: He was cheating?
Her: No, he was doing inspirational tweets.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
The year is 2030. Bakery art is so realistic, literally anything could be cake. The uncertainty has gripped the world in fear. I go to hug my wife for comfort. She is cake.
Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
✨☝️✨
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
Date: everything ok?
Me: yeah, sorry. I was just thinking about the death of my wife
Date: oh my gosh, I’m sorry. when was it?
Me: tonight if you play your cards right
INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
My wife never catches me scoping out the hot chick because she’s too busy judging the hot chick.
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
[boss finds pics of me snowboarding]
“You missed work bc you said you were sick…& judging from these pics, YOU WERENT LYING”
*fist bump*
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Looking for mini donuts and mini muffins at the mini mart but everything is normal sized. Like I don’t have enough to deal with right now.
Me: can I check my account balance?
Sperm bank employee: it doesn’t work like that
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.