Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.

ME: No problemo.

DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.

ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.

back to work

[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*

After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

Don’t forget when you’re tanning nude in your backyard that someone is zooming in on you from google earth satellite. You’re welcome.

If Olive Garden wanted to give me an authentic Italian meal that reminds me of my mother’s cooking, someone should come out from the kitchen and hit me with a wooden spoon

It must be hard to be a rapper knowing at any moment your enemies may make beautiful poems about you

My wife and I have to put drops in the cat’s eye before we go to work. Just in case you see a headline like “Couple mauled to death by two pound kitten” tomorrow

[teaching babies to swim]
Me: ok, some of you are not gonna make it

I only say “I love you” to

1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.

goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.

A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.

Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?

Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.

I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.

Guys when life is tough and you feel nothing is going your way, remember, things could always be worse. You could have to take a shit at a music festival.

ME: what is an IV for
ROMAN: yes

Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”

God: the quarterly meeting of 2020 will come to order
Satan: under new business please add timing to release 4th horseman of the apocalypse
G: this is the last time I bet with you on the winner of Dancing with the Stars
S: LOL
G: LOL

I’m about to lose 20 pounds.

*Releases the weight of everyone’s expectations off my shoulders.

do mermaids get waxed or descaled

Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session

Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything

Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?

sometimes I wonder if it’s possible to be TOO happy, then I remember that it’s not possible to be TOO stoned, so the answer is: banana

sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free

sales in 2024:

hate when i accidentally forget i’m on a weight loss journey by about noon every single day

I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.

Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.