Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…

..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die

[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!

farmer: hay

horse: I have a boyfriend

We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.

I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.

Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”

I love to run. Around the house. Chasing my toddler. Because she took my iced coffee.

shark: *smirking* no hablo inglés

I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.

The baby’s trying to eat the poinsettia again

Well, maybe we should get rid of it

The plant? But we just got it

. . .Haha yeah, the plant

If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.

prince of whales, doo doo doo doo doo doo

dog: i saw u out there
me: what?
dog: i saw u pet the neighbor dog
me: i was just–
dog: did u rub his belly? DID U ASK IF HE WAS A GOOD BOY?

I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.

me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you

my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*

you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.

Important reminders

Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend

There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.

Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.

doctor: and how long has your most recent panic attack been going on

me: probably since the summer of 2015

HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl

KID: I’m a brat!
WILLY WONKA: I am going to have you murdered.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day

origin story of all Disney villains:

“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“

me folding laundry: ugh another sock is missing
puppet on my hand: how does that keep happening

My mom announced her retirement yesterday, and her boss immediately started expressing concerns about all the tax penalties she’d incur by taking Social Security “early.”

And that’s how my mom found out everybody at work thought she was 15 years younger than her actual age.

The only downside is the realization that several people at work knew how old her children were, meaning a lot of people have been operating under the assumption she had a lot of kids in high school.

“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever