I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
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The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
When I’m mad at my kid, I don’t put the straw from the juice box in their school lunch.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
barbie: how many barbies are you seeing ken??
ken:
barbie: *flips over plastic pizza saver table*
Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
POUTINE TIMELINE
9 PM: I could go for a poutine
9:15: This is god’s delicious gift
9:17: I made a mistake. How could one human fit this much gravy inside them
9:30: When the coroner examines my body he will die from contact sodium poisoning
11 PM: I could go for a poutine
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
VENTRILOQUIST: {getting waterboarded}
PUPPET: Stop you’re killing him!
CIA AGENT: Get me more water!
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full