Listen jogger, I’m eating fast food alone in my car, the last thing I need is eye contact.
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Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
Bank: your credit card payment is late
Me: your imaginary financial system is illegitimate
Bank: what
Me: nothing what do I owe
My love for my kids is like my data plan:
Technically unlimited, but it might get dialed back behind the scenes if they really push it.
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
didn’t receive my miso soup. how do i send a picture of something that didn’t arrive pls deliveroo?
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle. Yet, when I do it, it’s “disconcerting”?
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Got my daughter a one-dollar gift card to the Dollar Store and told her to get whatever she wants.
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
a kid i met insisted she visited the “vampire state building” and i couldn’t bring myself to correct her
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
Gmail: Someone has signed into your account!
Me: Yeah that was me
Gmail: No it was on another device!
Me: Yes my tablet
Gmail: Someone stole your tablet?!
Me: what no
Gmail: CALL THE POLICE
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you last month?
Me: The package said “Take on an empty stomach” so, not yet.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.