listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
You Might Also Like
Cutting the mail slot in my door bigger to fit a pizza box.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
It’s true. Parents that use drugs, have kids that use drugs. So, there’s an important lesson here…
Don’t have kids.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
[crunching sound] this is some good mineral water
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
“It’s pretty neat how the laundry keeps washing and folding itself.”
-my family
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Me: Coke please
Waiter: Is heroin okay?
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
nobody’s ever dunked on babies this hard and never will
Do you have little ones who are nervous about flying? This is a great bedtime read before you go.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
Conversational tip: For every minute that you spend talking about yourself, set aside 10 seconds for the other person to say something; give them time to give you a compliment.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.
me: yeah, i’m into fitness…fitness this whole pizza in my mouth.
executioner: did you plan your last meal around this?
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.