Listen lady, you have 2 options. Either make your baby stop eyeballing me, or she & I can go outside to settle this.
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[crime scene]
•detective flips open pocket watch•
Hmmm…precisely what I thought
“What’s that sir”
•closes watch•
It’s lunch time
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Ironic
any last words?
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
Him: Take off your socks. They don’t belong in bed.
Me: My socks are off, though.
Him: I meant the sock puppets on your hands.
Right sock puppet: Well, you’re no fun.
Left sock puppet: *blows raspberries*
THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.
[police station]
LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
I don’t envy mama birds for how they have to feed their babies, but the pushing them out of the nest part sounds fun.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
My son turned 3 and suddenly his elbows are spears, all I’m saying is it seems very uncool that my tiny dictator should get more weapons.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.