[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
Listen mate, the only rapture I’m interested in was sung by Debbie Harry
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If my mom had just faked having a headache I wouldn’t be writing this bullshit on the internet right now
dog 911: what’s your emergency
dog: there’s an intruder
dog 911: is he in your house?
dog: no, he’s across the street
dog 911: that’s not a problem
dog: what if he comes over here?
dog 911: OH GOD WHAT IF HE DOES
dog: SHOULD I BARK?
dog 911: FOR THE LOVE OF DOG YES
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Fox has cancelled American Idol.
From Now on, if I want to listen to bad music, I’ll have to listen to Pitbull just like everyone else.
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
Executioner: Any last words?
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
my sister took her 4 yr old to adopt a pet kitten and she immediately ran to the black one, picked it up and held it to her face as she said, “i’m a witch now, i can’t wait until school tomorrow.”
i’m afraid for whoever crossed her at preschool
*15 seconds into makeup application*
I’m bored. This is good enough.