I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.
You Might Also Like
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
If you dont sin, Jesus died for nothing!
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
Them: your dog is so cute, does she shed?
Me: only twice a year
Them: and how long does it last?
Me: 6 months
Welcome to your 40s: time to go slap mulch bags at home depot.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Harry Potter Diss Track
Hey Voldemort, yeah I said your name.
You’re a dude in a dress, I’m Hall of Fame.
Avada Kedavra didn’t get the job done.
You got owned by a baby, it’s over I won.
You did kill my parents, it’s true I suppose.
all I can say is where the f*%k is your nose?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
“How many people have you slept with?”
– Someone who wants to hear a lie
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If I squint really hard, nope. You’re still an idiot.
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”