Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zoo]
ME: Haha…this one’s face!
WIFE: Tha-
M [bangs on glass]
W: Stop it
M [pulls funny face]
W [elbows me aside] So sorry, 2 tickets pls

i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him

Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?

Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.

Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.

Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control

i just found that children’s tylenol is made for children, not out of children, and i feel relieved. but that could just be the tylenol…

ME: Sorry boss, I can’t make it in today. Because of Ebola.
BOSS: You have Ebola?
ME: No but someone does and I am FREAKING THE HELL OUT

I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.

Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”

“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”

Imagine you discovered the ability to time travel.
You go 30 years into the future expecting to meet your future self only to discover that you’ve been missing for 30 years.

Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference

My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.

Careful, that’s a load-bearing delusion

what happened to my ankles tonight mosquitologically can never happen again

If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.

‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Me: What did you learn on your first day back to school?

Granddaughter: Not enough. They said I have to go back tomorrow.

accidentally put my phone on airplane mode when i was in my car and the tires fell off

me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]

You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.

It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

guy: my dog just died

girl who studied abroad: wow that reminds of this one time in Europe i saw a dog

“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*

Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.

Men: Same.

9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*

I slipped on ice and discovered I’m a natural at break dancing