“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
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Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
my son needs help with his math project so i did what any good parent would do. i slipped out the back door and started a new life in costa rica
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
Shouldn’t a grand piano only cost $1000?
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
Sometimes my body is a temple, sometimes it’s a rundown railroad shack with a clanging crossing sign that reads FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, EAT A VEGETABLE
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
Drying the waistband of my jeans with a hairdryer as God intended.
working on a name for my new business
my buddy says I can’t call it “Guillotines For Billionaires” because it sounds like we’re trying to sell the guillotines to the billionaires, which we are not
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Bank employees are called tellers, remember that next time you whisper them secrets.
I just walked into the living room to find my daughter teaching the family cat to play Cards Against Humanity. I think we’ve run out of ways to pass the time.
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
Women do not want to hear what you think..
They want to hear what they think..
In a deeper voice……
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
Me: You guys wanna play house?
Them: Sure
Me, throwing the nearest kid on a gurney: We are gonna need a crash cart in here stat! WE ARE LOSING HIM! And you said you thought it was lupus.
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.
My daughter found my twitter. I have just one thing to say – clean your room.