Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.

I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits

There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.

HER: it’s over between us

ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?

HER: I thought you would stop

ME: sew it seamed

Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”

Got chased by a swan this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.

Me, after a minor inconvenience:

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

HER: do you own any firearms

ME [trying to impress]: no but I have some hot legs

There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.

And their commentary has me crying 😭

I really hope my house is haunted because I don’t want to pay to fix those noises.

Male penguins travel 50 miles by foot in subzero temperatures to mate but ok, thanks for these flowers I guess

my internet boyfriend is cheating on me with my other internet boyfriend

My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate

REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home

ME: how many points do I need for that

*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?

Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma

Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories

Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table

I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout  was crying

The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.

Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?

Nothing this big stays secret.

Just Google them.

There’s probably a torrent somewhere.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.