“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
Tonight’s parenting lesson:
If a 2-year-old says, “I’m going to puke,” FOR THE LOVE OF GOD DON’T CALL HER BLUFF.
I need a shower.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
I just saw three bowls of dessert.
I think they were thrice pudding.
#RateMyPun
#LunchPun
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
you aren’t “dehydrated”, you have attachment issues and you were denied water as a child
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
*getting a deli sandwich*
person making sandwich: only 1 piece of cheese?
me: yes
person: u can have 3 pieces of cheese for the same price
me: that’s ok I’m good
person: it’s FREE cheese tho
me: I don’t want that much cheese
person: *yelling* ITS FREE CHEESE
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
i’m actually the nightmare before christmas, don’t talk to me until i’ve had my milk and cookies 😂🤣
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
feeling some mixed emotions while eating dried apricots because it’s like i’m eating human ears but they’re tasty
Can hardly wait until my winter fat turns into spring rolls.
“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.