Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.

You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?

The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.

ME: [holding my breath]

MY BREATH: This is nice.

I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.

Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.

I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.

#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆

Boss: Can I see you in my office?

Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try

you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT

i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”

My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.

I won the local hot dog eating contest and didn’t even know I was competing.

Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

wife: I saw a baby on the way to work

me: how do you know?

wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?

me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?

wife: what

My cat’s birthday is tomorrow and my mean boss said I still have to come to work this week.

[second date]

Me: so… is this your first police chase?

If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.

Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.

What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?

Cop: Could I have your name?

Me: Well, you could, but it would be an incredible coincidence.

*Send Bail Money*

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

Remembered my dad suddenly. I had an argument with him – said he saw a Dodo Bird once in the 1970s. I told him that was impossible. He said he saw the fucking thing. Our family thought we were arguing about politics or something. Nope. Dodo Bird. Anyway I believe him now.

*Runs fingers over Braille calendar*

Is this a date? It feels like a date.

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and says Good Game): wow rub it in much? not cool dude

me (when someone beats me in an online video game and doesn’t say Good Game): wow not even gonna be polite. not cool dude

Nurse – “OK we are gonna start you on the scale”
Me – “You know what maybe I’m not so sick after all, *pulls knife put of leg*

Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …

and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.

I’ve got a job at my local hospital, doing goose impressions while I show people the mallards on the pond. I’m the honk call duck tour.

people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic