“Listen to your body”
My body: you’re 42, sit tf down
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There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
(after spending 15 minutes ripping a video off instagram and reposting it to twitter) who did this 😂😂😂😂😂
*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.
[At party]
Wife: Don’t pretend you’re deaf again, so you don’t have to talk to people
Me [in sign language]: What?
Honestly, the food pyramid seems pretty well balanced no matter what food goes on top.
im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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Make *almost* everyone want to murder you by talking to yourself.
Make *everyone* want to murder you by sing-talking to yourself.
*a meeting somewhere*
“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.![]()
My favorite part of a date is the sweet, seedy flesh. Wait, sorry, that’s my favorite part of a fig, I always get figs and dates mixed up.
I’m pitching a show called “Walking Dad” where dads go around biting each other and then the people who get bitten become dads too.
🤣✨#caturday
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I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
my favorite genre of twitter
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ME: *Opening my office Secret Santa gift and it’s a loaf of bread* Wooow, well, thank you, to WHOEVER this was from!
MY ONLY DUCK COWORKER: *Whispers excitedly* It was me. I was your Secret Santa.
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
Her: Have you planned your funeral?
Me: Yeah, it’s scheduled for September 25, 2450.
Her: (Stares)
Me: What? Are you busy on that day?
My aunt: [to my kid] You’ve gotten so big!
Me, quietly to myself: don’t say it, don’t say it, don’t say it…
My kid: So have you!
Me: There it is
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
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Ever have an itch you just can’t seem to scratch? That’s a past life itch…probably cuz you were a donkey
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.