“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
You Might Also Like
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
Me: Now that I’m an adult, I can eat whatever I want.
Metabolism:
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
“Shake your money maker”
Me: *bangs head repeatedly against the desk*
Morning all.
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
A kid at the park is wearing a Joker shirt, I am going to slowly take my coat off revealing my Batman T and shit is about to get real.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
Coming soon to Fox and Friends: a crime fighting duo useless at stopping mass shootings. They are THOUGHTS AND PRAYERS, Wednesdays at 9 pm.
By age 35 you should have a drawer in your house filled with random items. That way, when you can’t find something, you’ll just check the junk drawer. And boom, just like that, you won’t find it there either.
Joke’s on you, mugger. You only got my dummy wallet with money and IDs. All my photos of mom and my iguanas are taped to my inner thigh.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Me: Knock knock.
Psychic: Ha! Good one.
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
My favorite adult hack is when I carefully and thoughtfully put something very important away so I can’t lose it and then I never find it again
date offered me her hot tub and started cutting up carrots into it after i got in
am i cooked
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen