“listen to your body” ok but my body stopped talking to me after I tried to cure my depression with donuts
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Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
It may seem that your dog wants to give you a kiss but he really just wants to know if you had peanut butter for dinner
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
How much is appropriate to tip the police officer who opens the squad car door for you?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Me *enters new password*
Computer: ok
Me: Aren’t you going tell me it’s too weak?
Computer: It is but you don’t handle criticism very well
Me *crying* that’s not true
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
ok hear me out: Luigiana
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Me: *cooking a Caribbean meal*
Her: smells great in there, and I hear you’re playing a little steel drum music to get us in the mood
Me: *frantically scraping cremated jerk chicken from pan* steel drum music, yes
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
straight people: gay marriage is an embarrassment to marriage!
also straight people:
I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.