Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”

A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.

In a parallel universe a group of mystery solving sasquatch teens are unmasking The Velma that’s been chasing them all night.

Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?

I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.

You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that

I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.

One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet

My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.

“Hey Alexa, didn’t I unplug you?”

Alexa: *cackles maniacally*

‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco

“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance

the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments

I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.

*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*

Slowly he climbs into
my bed. Our eyes meet,
I can feel his desire.

His need for me and only me.

• The cat wants to be fed.

Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.

Me: Okay.

Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?

Me: Quick

[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.

It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone

If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

So, it turns out “hey, check out this rash” isn’t a great pick-up line.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.

#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…

Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.

a cauliflower is a plant explosion in extremeley slow motion