“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
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What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Doctor: are u high?
Me: no, why?
D: bc ur dressed like Batman
M: well maybe Batman dresses like me
D:…
M: alright yea im a lil high
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
I know a bunch of guys who are like Christian Grey but without the money and the handsomeness. They’re in jail.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
“Daddy, did you know Pluto was recently reclassified as a dwarf planet, or plutoid?”
“Sweetie, I’m pretty sure he’s a dog.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Canada channels its’ anger through the geese.
ME: There are 18 sheep.
RANCHER: Round ‘em up!
ME: There are 20 sheep.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
“I think I have ADHD, doc”
why?
“I keep forgetting where I parked my Ford”
that’s not-
“yeah I keep losing my Focus”
get out of my office
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed