“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
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Age is just a number, like 100 hours of Community Service.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Art teacher: I think you’ve misunderstood. It’s the models who will be nude.
Me: Well this is awkward.
My kids are watching Babe and my oldest asked “What happened to his mother” and I just slowly looked at the hotdog on his plate
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Disguising marmite as honey seems like a good way to get dumped on Valentine’s day
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
My face when someone is offended by something super offensive I said to them:
My son had a meltdown because his sister accidentally stepped on his piece of popcorn shaped “perfectly like an octopus” and he was saving it for “his collection.” I don’t know about this collection. I don’t want to know about this collection.
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
annoying co-worker pissing you off? just keep calling him margaret.
margaret really hates that.
I don’t know why they are called smart phones, I dropped mine in the toilet and it didn’t even try to get out.
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
Me: why doesn’t anyone talk to me at work?! 😩
Coworker: …
Me: <takes earbuds out> I’m sorry, what?
Good looking cop: do you know how fast you were going?
Me fluttering eyelashes:
How fast did you want me to be going?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
When someone asks me what my dream job is it’s just like “I don’t know dude, I don’t dream about jobs”
Butterflies are like regular flies, but they live at Paula Deen’s house.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
None of the parenting books said ANYTHING about having to relearn chemistry at 10 PM.
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
realized that as a doctor i could prescribe girl scout cookies, who needs some