Listen to your inner child. It’s the one that whisper-sings nursery rhymes when you feel alone in a dark hallway.

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“You’ll have more fun in high school, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in college, Zach.”nn”You’ll have more fun in Hell, Zach.”


Will Smith: “Jaden, I want you to star in this 100 million dollar movie with me”

My Dad: “Shut up and hold this flashlight Steve”


“Last call for flight 254”

[Runs to gate]

“You barely made it”

[out of breath] This isnt my flight. I just wanted to tell you I’m a vegan


[reading of my will]
To my nephew, William, I bequeath the satisfaction equivalent of unjamming and popping out a compact disc tray; I also leave him the alacrity to accept what a shit inheritance this is, and then $100k just to spite the other nephews who never sucked up to me.


Give a man a fish, feed him for a day.

Teach a man to fish in highly-contaminated water, feed him for a day.


The secret to my success lies with you having a poor grasp on it’s definition.


Ugh, Amazon Prime takes two whole days for delivery. I wish there was a way I could buy things and get them immediately.