Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
My daughter just started singing “I ate some brains down in Africa,” and now I kinda like her version better
the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
Me starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet
9am: One cookie instead of two
A shrimp cannot fry rice, what do y’all not understand?
I saw a tweet saying liberals should create their own Captain America. They did. In 1940.
was reading about defunct airlines again and i can’t believe they named it this
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
This is not an empty room, this is a very succesful anti-party
The moon is waxing but my interest is waning because I like a moon with full bush ok
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
Someone at this party is wearing the same shirt as me. It’s very awkward. How did this happen. We barely even fit in this shirt.
*skinny dips into black hole
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
Trying to decide what to burn for dinner so I can order pizza