Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
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I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about how child neglect and bad parenting is hilarious
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
english majors be like furthermore
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
I’m the person who requested weather reporters stand in the storms. I have no concept of wind or rain and love seeing needless suffering
I always carry a condom.
I never know when things are going to get hot & heavy & I’ll have to throw a sturdy water balloon at someone.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
I have CDO. It’s like OCD, but the letters are in alphabetical order. Like they should be.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Back to the Future IV: Marty Mcfly stops being obsessed with his own family and goes back in time to kill Hitler.
did it work
Breaking news:
man i love columbo
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
HR: Did you eat all the mints that were in my jar?
me: No [some mints fall out of my mouth]
HR:
me: Yes [more mints fall out of my mouth]
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
[flies trespassing in my house] release the frogs.