Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.

I am so sorry.

Guy: “I’m so hungry and there’s no game around.”
Me w/camera: *eating packed lunch*
“You can do it, dude.”

COP: you can’t hide from the long arm of the law

ME [under the couch]: please stop tickling me

I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.

I just made bacon for dessert, I’m not in the mood to be trifled with

Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine

Me today: 2pm time for bed

{asks friend for help with a draft}

*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’

Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”

Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.

ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice

ME: what

PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing

I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.

A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing

-life lessons from Softball Coach

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

I wish this was real life…

Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.

Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?

I know you do. That’s why I do it.

Rethinking this whole Mastodon thing

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

[first day as a ninja]

me: *sneaking in*

him: I’ve been expecting you

me: how

him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day

I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.

It’s a Rome ants novel.

This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.

I took biscuits with me on a date once.

She called me a weirdo and said that biscuits was a stupid name for a cat.

The average Apple employee works 6 hours longer a day than an Apple battery.

Went to a seminar on passive aggressiveness, and someone was in my seat, but it’s ok, I sat next to them, on the floor for the rest of the session

ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is

“Sorry kids, looks like we’ll have to find something else to do today”

coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning

me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast

[first rap battle]

me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart

opponent: please stop crying

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

DAD: you need to look out for people

ME: yes we’re all in this together

[thump thump]

ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!

DAD: as I was saying