Listen, when there’s a global outage of computer services and my workplace is entirely unaffected, it’s just really really unfair to me.
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My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
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I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
I have started a band called Free Beer.
When people see our sign ‘Free Beer Tomorrow at 9PM’ I’m sure everyone is going to be there.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Parenting is a lot like a home improvement project. Right after the “This isn’t so bad” phase comes the “I should call someone who knows what they’re doing” phase.
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Husband: My mom didn’t get the Mother’s Day candy we sent her.
Me: Oh no! I wonder what happened.
Husband: *pulls an empty box out of my nightstand*
Me: The dog is in SO much trouble.
“Your present is too big and weirdly shaped to wrap. Oh! What if I buried it in the yard?!” -me, genuinely, earlier today. Wife said no.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
Hear me out. A new princess that repels mosquitoes…Citronella.
Walt Disney:
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
Shouldn’t women have a girlnecologist?
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”