Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
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my five year old is wearing a velvet dress and gold heels and had me paint her nails red with silver sparkles and she’s chasing her brother with a chewbacca mask on
she really is living her best life
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
“What does the fox say?” Whatever the Rupert Murdoch tells it to.
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
“I think Esmerelda’s in trouble!”
“What makes you so sure, Quasimodo?”
“I have a…”
…
*sunglasses*
…
*turns to camera*
…
hunch.”
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
“Oh yeah, that thing you REALLY liked last time? Well guess what YOU WILL NEVER SEE IT AGAIN”
-Costco.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Where does the Easter Bunny lay his eggs?!
In the grass..
So WHAT DO WE SMOKE TO CELEBRATE?!
[all the children]
Grass??
Yessssss.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
You know the person in exercise videos that’s doing the easy version of everything? I’m the guy behind that person eating chips.
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.
meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
In horror flicks, people say “hello?” when they hear something like a voice is going to reply, “oh hey, it’s me, the murderer.”
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
I put a worm in water and it lived. I put a worm in bourbon and it died. So… if I drink bourbon I won’t get worms.