Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
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[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
When people ask your age, respond in Celsius.
Your inability to learn complicated handshakes is tearing this gang apart.
Pleading insanity in small claims court
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
Why are we talking about foreign relations when we have untapped resources here? Take Dave, for example. We could eat Dave today. And I know you all want to.
– Cannibal Presidential Debates
I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
Working from home is the best. Whenever I take off my bra at the office, people get so weird.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?