Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
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ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
ok but legally you have to tell me if you’re a meth lab
English husband: How’s it going in America
Me: People are shooting at the weather
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
I’m convinced that my soulmate is pizza
This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
I’m obsessed with you. Not like peak through your window obsesseHEY I LIKE THAT DRESS WEAR THAT ONE
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
i dont know much about politics but have we ever tried turning a senator into a llama and teaming him up with a working guy to teach him empathy
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
ME: i’ve been feeling sick lately
FRIEND: maybe you should see a doctor
ME: *google image searches “doctor”* haha you’re right, they look awesome
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
Am I married? I got trapped in my jean jacket once and panicked cause I couldn’t take it off, what do you think?
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.