Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé

me: yes

interviewer: are you going to?

me: no

my computer: consider changing your password

me: consider fighting me in the streets

Skeleton: I’m you from the future

Me: how long?

Skeleton: 2 months

Me: are you here to warn me?

Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me

It’s important to tell everyone you think Valentine’s Day is just a dumb, made up holiday. As opposed to all of the other holidays, found naturally occurring in the wild.

I asked my friend to spell wonton backwards.

He said not now.

I like my men like I like my coffee. Tied up in a burlap sack and dragged through Columbia behind a donkey.

I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars. Like I’m really glad you can see 92 miles ahead but the rest of us are blind now.

I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’

I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’

That boy is a future diplomat.

That prank where you roll the windows down as you go through a carwash so your friends get soaked isn’t as funny when you do it by yourself

PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)

My neighbor has a huge warehouse/shop and is alway in there banging away on something or doing stuff but never really producing anything. I just know that one day Dateline is going to interview me and ask if I knew what was going on in there…

The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.

Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.

wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭

If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.

I’ve seen:

•UFOs
•Ghosts
•A Two Headed Turtle
•Kimodo Dragons

But nothing is as unbelievable to me as seeing Trump run for president.

Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.

🤣🤣

me (smirking as i pick a card): what next

magician: now you close your eyes

me (rolling my eyes to a friend): lol okay whatever

magician: (kicks me in the face) stop ruining fun things because you’re afraid you won’t be the center of attention

[my friends all applaud]

I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store

I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes

I’m chaperoning a graduation party tonight. I have lots of fun activities planned.

I hope they like monopoly.

I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.

~Psychopaths.

If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.

Satanic ritual canceled. The goats keeps eating the sacred parchment paper.

Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.

The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues

Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy

waiter: how was your roast duck sir

me: fine, i’ll take the bill now

waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part

me: no no, i need to pay

waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir

There are two kinds of people. The ones that pack six days before a trip, and the ones that wake up day-of and realize they need to do a load of laundry. And they marry each other.