“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
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USERS: you’re alienating the people who actually use your product
TWITTER: likes are now florps
USERS: what
TWITTER: timeline goes sideways
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
mocktails are awesome because they ask the question ‘how much could juice cost?’
I’ve just text my new girlfriend that I’m into all sorts of douchebaggery.
Autocorrect clearly has a different idea on what debauchery is.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.
I went for a run today. What the hell is wrong with you people why would you do this to yourself you need help.
Them: “I hate to be a…”
Me: “Then don’t.”
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug
Ocean’s 8 makes me feel seen as a woman but also as someone who has tried to organize anything with more than 3 people
I woke up this morning feeling ever so confident that today was the day I would commit myself to physical fitness.
Right after I finish this bacon, egg, and cheese McGriddle.
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
I think people who “like” bloody Mary’s are lying
Cold vodka tomato soup? Let’s be serious
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Overheard:
“Why is this guy listening to our conversation?”
[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
*takes all the free samples from the deli counter*
~ adds Freelance Cheese Taster to my resumé
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
God: “Adam looks kind of lonely down there. What should I do?”
Frog: “ribbit”
God: “haha, alright man”