Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boys are gamers and I’m single

It’s like a race to see who can use the most batteries

Dyslexic Superbowl watchers were probably disappointed when they saw football instead of a superb owl.

World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.

STAND-UP COMEDIAN: you know how after sex-

ME: [stands up all mad] this isn’t relatable at all

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.

Bruh 😂

Outside, contemplating life, love, and happiness and if I should tell the neighbor that his kid has been stuck in a tree for three hours.

Face it, wild horses could easily drag you away.

I mean, that miniature pony at the petting zoo could probably pull you for miles.

Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”

Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first

wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you

me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife

wife: on your coke though?

British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins

I spent the entire summer before 6th grade obsessively playing world of warcraft and I felt so weird being like very clearly the only child in my guild so I pretended to be in my thirties with a boyfriend and everyone was so nice to me I ended up announcing my fake engagement.

I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.

Cow it started Cow it’s going

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

Jesus was actually killed by the FBI when he discovered birds weren’t real

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

Canada’s plan to take over the US is coming along nicely.

They sent down cold & snow to places that almost never get it.

Well played Canada, well played.

My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.

It’s like my therapist always says, that’ll be $175

This is the entirety of an email I just got from a lawyer.

10/10 no notes.

I’ve never been donkey-kicked in the face before, but I have walked past my teenage son who just applied “one spray” of cologne, so same.

(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)

Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep

Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.

A fess on behalf of my cat, who recently had kittens. Now that the kittens are able to walk around and develop their personalities, it’s clear one of them is going to grow into a little shit. And mama kitty, judging by her attempt to drop him down the toilet last night, agrees.

Telling my uncle about my boy problems and he’s literally covering his mouth in disbelief… yeah girl it’s bad

I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.

See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.