Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself

them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?

me: marry a chiropractor

Took my kids to the travel clinic in preparation for Thailand/Japan trip. Nurse told them they needed a typhoid shot. 10 asked dead serious, “Do we need a Japanphoid shot too? I love him 😂

I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.

My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.

I hope this is the year my teen learns how to turn off a light when she leaves a room.

*me flirting

I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.

“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning

As an incredibly powerful, mostly evil, very attractive supernatural being, I have one weakness:
A female protagonist who has just turned sixteen and thinks there’s nothing special about her at all.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.

I forgot the word “umbrella” so I offered to share my roof on a stick.

My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”

“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.

embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)

If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…

Don’t you hate it when you misjudge a moment of silence and lean in for a kiss.

Worst police interrogation ever.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

They said it was a staff infection, but I’m pretty sure some customers got it as well.

You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac

still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls

Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.

Is this anything

“can you explain this gap in your employment history”

yah i was a toddler

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.