Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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The collective noun for a group of narcissists should be an ‘egosystem’.
Stop making me make accounts. A lightbulb that changes colors shouldn’t require an account. A TV speaker shouldn’t require an account.
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Short story
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Watching Unsolved Mysteries and getting mad when they don’t solve the mystery at the end
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
I thought she was the one. Then she put her entire email message in the subject line.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
Me: Ok, who got Oreo filling on the couch?
Husband:
4:
7:
Me: Well…
7: It really could have been any of us.
4: (licks couch)
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
the mechanic said it would be $800 to fix my brakes and I actually thought “how badly do I need them”
Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
My class teacher once said “Write and Practice.” Turns out she was right. I practiced on my desk just before I started my exam and it worked
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Don’t be alarmed,
you’re not a clock.
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.