Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.

Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.

looking for someone who loves me as much as some people love standing up the second a plane lands.

Make bowling your first date. If he rents small shoes and jams his fingers in the wrong holes don’t bother with a second.

problems i need

my first day as a raccoon

*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…

You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.

Me: I can’t handle this
People: Ask for help
Me: Ok, who do I ask?
People: It’s so important to ask for help
Me: Right but I can’t afford-
People: shh you can’t do it alone, ask for help!
Me: How, where, what do I do
People *putting a finger over my lips*: Ask 👏For 👏Help 👏

Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce

Me: Ohh no! What happened?

Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.

Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.

@Capt_Spanky’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.

Is there a way to ask for extra ranch dressing without sounding fat?

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”

wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

day 16 of being stuck in:

me: shall I have another glass of wine?

my wall: yes catherine splendid idea

every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday

Biden: What if we paint the Mexican flag in the office
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: I already ordered the paint
Obama: Joe

Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?

Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”

Wife:

Me: Everything isn’t about you.

Paying the internet $4.99 to take an IQ test is you failing the test.

Him: “I’ve seen people cry at weddings, but not the rehearsal dinner.”

Me: “I usually don’t cry…but these potatoes are just so awesome!”

I’ve been laughing for an hour straight

Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?

Me: I got fired?

Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send

People are so trusting on mushroom forums. They ask for help identifying wild shrooms they found, and give you just one blurry picture taken from fifty yards away.

“Is this safe to eat? 🍄”

I’ve seen clearer pictures of Bigfoot, but yeah, go for it. It’s probably fine.

Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?

Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.

Joker: No I…wait, what?

Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?

Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!

Only resort to violence if necessary like you get the wrong pizza toppings.