Listening in on 14yos on the train after school and one of them just said: “bro you didn’t even try fresh basil until you were like 12, you have no credibility in this conversation” and the rest of them started roaring laughing
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
Cop: You look pretty beat up, how many attackers did you say there was?
[flashback to me showing the cat my nunchuk skills]
Me: Easily 10
haha same
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
What in the hipster hell is going on here
If I ever catch my kid vaping, I’m going to make him eat an entire fedora.
JUDGE: That THING cannot enter
ME: But Inky is my pet
OCTOPUS IN AN ASTRONAUT’S HELMET FILLED WITH WATER:*squirts ink at him*
INKY NOOOOo
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
I’m prepared for anything, as long as it isn’t hard or boring or scary
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
That water trick was miraculous, but let’s see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
I carry one of those tiny Swiss Army knives with me at all times. You never know when you’ll need a tiny blade to thwart an attacker.
The Canadian authorities should bring in Billy Joel for questioning.
Facebook: Hey remember this pic of your dog that died?
Me: Damnit Facebook not now.
FB: Sorry…
FB: Your ex girlfriend is getting married.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
my HOA sent me a complaint about weeds being in my front yard and they took a picture of me….pulling the weeds…..and sent it to me saying I needed to do something about it ???? omfg
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Whoa… oh I see lol
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York